Have you ever wanted something deeply, and then immediately started questioning whether you were allowed to want it?
“Do I deserve this?”
“Am I asking for too much?”
“Am I expecting too much?”
“Who am I to want that?”
“Can I really justify having this?”
Or maybe you’ve found yourself on the other side:
“I deserve this.”
“I’ve worked hard.”
“I’ve earned it.”
“I deserve to make myself a priority.”
Often stated with conviction, while still carrying a subtle undercurrent of guilt and self-doubt.
In my experience, we tend to talk about deservingness as though it determines what we’re allowed to want, have, receive, or experience.
But what if deservingness has nothing to do with it?
I invite you to take a moment to think about the deepest desires and greatest vision you have for your life.
Maybe it includes deeply nourishing, reciprocal relationships.
A certain level of financial abundance.
A thriving career or business.
More freedom. More peace.
Optimal health and wellbeing.
A beautiful home.
Having more time or more impact.
Whatever it is, ask yourself:
“What does deservingness actually have to do with whether or not I experience it?”
Consider that there are plenty of people we would label as “deserving” — genuinely good, kind, responsible, generous, hardworking, grateful people — who never experience what they deeply desire.
And there are people who don’t appear to meet our definition of “deserving” who have enormous amounts of abundance, beautiful relationships, successful businesses, freedom, influence, or whatever else we might want.
This certainly isn’t an argument for becoming less kind, less generous, less responsible, or less grateful.
I’m simply pointing out that morality isn’t the mechanism that creates a desired outcome.
Deservingness doesn’t determine whether your desires become a reality, so perhaps it’s time to stop using it as the measure.
The truth: You Don’t Need Permission to Want What You Want
I often hear people trying to convince themselves that they’re allowed to want something.
They feel like they need to prove it, justify it, explain it, defend it — make the case for why they should be allowed to want what they desire.
Whether it’s:
- More money
- More freedom
- More love
- More support
- More impact
- More peace
- More from their relationships
- More from their work
- More from their life
And underneath all of that are often beliefs like:
“I’m not sure I’m allowed to want this.”
Or even:
“There is something wrong with me for wanting this.”
Here’s the deal: you’re allowed to want whatever you want.
You don’t need a permission slip from morality to have a desire. You don’t have to prove that your desire is worthy enough to exist. You can want it. Period.
The more useful question isn’t whether you’re allowed to want what you envision. It’s:
Do you have the capacity to create and sustain it?
Wanting it and having it are two different things
This is the part I think we often miss.
You can give yourself permission to want something and even believe you deserve it. And neither of those things, on their own, will lead to you having it.
If you want nourishing, reciprocal relationships, there will be choices aligned with creating and maintaining them.
If you want a certain level of impact in your business or career, there will be choices aligned with creating it.
If you want a certain level of financial abundance, there will be choices aligned with creating that level of abundance.
If you desire a certain lifestyle, there will be choices aligned with creating and maintaining that lifestyle.
If you want optimal wellbeing, there will be choices that support it.
Quite simply, if you say you want X, X will require certain choices.
And those choices will require a certain capacity that has nothing to do with your deservingness.
So the question isn’t:
“Do I deserve X?”
It’s:
“What capacity is required to consistently make the choices that create X?”
There is so much messaging in the coaching and personal development industry about convincing people they deserve what they desire — helping them give themselves permission to have more, want more, receive more.
And I absolutely believe in giving yourself permission to want what you want. I think it’s foundational.
But permission is only the beginning. And this is where we see things differently here at The F.I.T. LIFE Method.
What often stands between us and what we envision isn’t a lack of deservingness. It’s our current capacity.
And that capacity is often revealed in the moments when creating what we want requires us to do something uncomfortable, unfamiliar, uncertain, or different from how we’ve operated in the past.
Here’s a hard but necessary truth: creating what you desire isn’t always going to feel good.
You’re going to experience frustration, disappointment, overwhelm, sadness, loneliness, irritation, and uncertainty.
You may be misunderstood. You may be judged. People may disagree with you or simply not see you clearly. Ultimately, moving toward your vision may mean making choices that not everyone around you understands or agrees with.
This is why your capacity matters so much.
Because if every uncomfortable feeling causes you to abandon the choice that was aligned with your vision, your vision is never going to become your reality.
And it’s not because you don’t deserve it. It’s simply because your current capacity isn’t a match for it yet.
And it’s not just the outer skills, strategies, or knowledge required. More often than not, it’s your inner capacity that gets in the way.
That’s The F.I.T. LIFE specialty.
The Inner Capacity Behind Everything You Want But Don’t Yet Have
Nearly two decades of working in the transformation industry have taught me that there are 8 interconnected life skills that build this foundational inner capacity. We call them the 8 Essential Life Skills.
Developing this skillset is how you can consistently make the choices required to turn your vision and desires into reality.
Because our lives are deeply shaped by the choices we make consistently.
And our choices are influenced by what we believe, what we value, what we tolerate, what we fear, what we trust, and who we believe ourselves to be.
So if I desire deeply reciprocal relationships, but consistently overgive, abandon my own needs, avoid difficult conversations, and accept dynamics that don’t feel good because I’m afraid of losing or upsetting someone…
My desire isn’t the problem.
There’s a mismatch between what I say I want and what I’m capable of consistently choosing.
If I envision having financial abundance, but consistently make choices from scarcity, avoidance, fear, impulse, or an unwillingness to look honestly at my finances, there’s a mismatch.
If I say I want optimal wellbeing, but consistently override what I need and treat rest as something I have to earn, there’s a mismatch.
Keep in mind that this isn’t about judgment or deservingness. It’s about self-awareness.
Self-awareness allows us to see the gap between what we want and what we currently have the capacity to create and sustain.
And once we can see the gap, we can develop the skills needed to close it.
Where to go from here
The next time you hear yourself say:
“I deserve it.”
Try:
“I’m allowed to want this.”
That removes morality from the equation.
You aren’t bad for wanting it and you aren’t good for wanting it — you’re simply allowed to want it.
And then ask yourself:
“Is this choice moving me toward or away from my ideal vision?”
Now the decision becomes about alignment rather than deservingness.
And if you recognize that you’re repeatedly making choices that aren’t a match for what you desire, the next question becomes:
“Which of the 8 Essential Life Skills can I grow so I can consistently make the choices that move me toward it?”
That’s a much more useful approach than continuing to wonder whether you’re worthy of what you desire.
What’s your biggest takeaway from this? Feel free to share below. I’d love to hear from you.
